Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
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Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You're like the curious george of whores
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
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GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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