I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
