when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
