Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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