I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
