I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
