Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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