I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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