I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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