my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
