well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
