and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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