I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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