I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
