bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
