Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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