I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The power of my boobs compel you
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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