I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
