she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
