she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
