I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
