ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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