Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
