according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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