and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
