the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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