I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
