I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
