somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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