My balls are so social today.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
