he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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