i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm bleeding and have questions
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
