so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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