it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
