I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
