Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
