The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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