If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
