OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
