i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
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Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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