Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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