I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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