Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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