That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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