I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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