my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
