he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
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You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
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Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
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