so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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