I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
