worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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