the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
