you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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