Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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