I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
